Things Poppo is no longer allowed to do (by Tomomo)
by Sootfeather
Summary: 100% Orange Juice crack fic, inspired by many others in the same format. Lack of oj fics here is criminal.
1. Chapter 1

Things Poppo is no longer allowed to do (By Tomomo). Warnings: Crack fic.

1\. After gruesome demise of Poppo 50, Poppo is no longer allowed to eat her spoils of war where QP can see her.

1.1. Doubly so if it's QP-Dangerous.

2\. Trying to steal that zipper from Suguri is a horrible idea. Don't do it.

2.1. Trying to steal Hime's hair flower is even worse. Last thing I need is another final boss on a rampage here.

3\. Poppo is no longer allowed to write fanfiction about anyone or anything, especially not about anyone else in this game. You have a sick, sick mind. I would also like to remind everyone

that I'm NOT pregnant with Yuki's child (kitten?), nor am I secretly escaped alien shapeshifter monster from hell.

4\. Poppo is no longer allowed to go trick-or-treating with ANYONE. This Halloween was a disaster. Only reason why we aren't all in jail or dead is dimension hopping and dumb luck.

4.1. RNG save us from sugar rush.

4.2. POPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Popoppopoppoppoppopopopopopooppoppopopoppooppopooppoppoppopopoopooopoppoooooopopopoppooopopopooppoopoopoppopoopooppopoopoopooooooo..!

4.3. Shut up. Now.

4.4. Ahahaa, but Kyoko put out that house so everything was good and fun in the end right!

4.5. Do you want to go back to the solitary confinement Kae?

4.6. Wait, Nanako, where in the world did you ge-EEEEAAAGGRH! NO STOP I DIDN'T MEAN IT STOoop

4.7. Note to self: You can, in fact, escape her Bits. Other things she has, not so much. Kyoko says I will heal in time, and I can offer a proper apology to Kae then. Great.

5\. Poppo is no longer allowed to use Here and There on people looking for toilet.

5.1. Or Go Away.

6\. You are not a bird, so you are not allowed to join the Seagull Mafia. Not even if they have cookies. Saki makes better cookies anyways.

6.1. You are not allowed to sell Saki to the Seagulls dammit!

7\. You are NOT allowed to hit on Mixed Poppo. You are basically the same person for RNG's sake!

8\. Marc asked me to tell you that next Poppo she finds hiding in her plane after takeoff will be dropped off without a question and then NUKED.

9\. You are not allowed to drink tea with Fernet. She holds grudges, and is not above poisoning you to get her revenge.

10\. You are not allowed to hold "manliness contest" among male characters. A) There is hardly any males here and b) Peat and Kai were both depressed for weeks since they were beaten by a black blob of goo and a gay stripper. Even Jonathan scored better than them.

11\. You are no longer allowed to sneak behind Sora with airhorns. I know you only tried to cheer her up since she's always so gloomy and doomy, but PTSD -induced freakouts are no joke. I lose far too many Poppos that way.

11.1. Not to mention it takes ages to cheer her up afterwards geez – Sham ~~

12\. You are not allowed to dunk Roboball. Poor Roboball did nothing wrong.

12.1 That didn't mean you can go ahead and dunk her, Shifu's Robot! Put that Poppo down now.

13\. The Chicken did not cross the road to wreck some shit. That is just an urban legend.

14\. You are not allowed to steal Krila's plushies. She's a creepy eyepatch-wearing goth girl. Those plushies will likely steal your soul in return, even though they ARE cute.

15\. You are not allowed to challenge Syura into any kind of gaming at all. That gets out of hand way too quickly. Also, that's a Chicken, not a Piyo. Tell her to return it where she found it.

16\. You are not allowed to laugh at Alte blowing herself up. Not even if she was just trying to cook. That is a tragic...oh who am I kidding here.

17\. You are no longer allowed to play Castle Crashers. You get _ideas_.

17.1. Also, Binding of Hime is not a real game. Suguri was just trying to cover up her fe– o-oh, hey Suguri, how's it going...?

17.2. Ow

18\. Give those presents back to Aru right now or you'll be sorry.

19\. ...Did anyone see Sherry anywhere? It's been awfully quiet for a while.

19.1. No, not that kind of sherry! Put that back right now!


	2. Chapter 2

Insanity continues and things get even more out of hand. Warning about the crack still applies.

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20\. Poppo is no longer allowed to have any sort of explosives with her, including things such as rockets, bombs, fireworks, firearms or those streamers Mixed Poppo likes. This has already been a very stupid thing to do, but now that Starbreaker is here we can't take any chances with it.

20.1. Trust me, if Starbreaker wants to blow you up she will blow you up, whether you have explosives with you or not.

20.2. OH GOD WHERE IS ALTE

20.3. You called?

20.4. *Sigh* No, Sweebo, that is just an ex- you know what, nevermind. Now that you are here go distract Starbreaker until I can get everyone with a knack for blowing things up away from her.

20.5. Oh? Very well, I shall do that.

21\. Poppo is no longer allowed to cook for others, along with several other characters listed here: Sham, Alte, Iru, Kae, Starbreaker, seagulls, chickens or Shifu's Robot. Flying Castle actually makes delicious ice-cream sundaes so they get a pass.

21.1. Honestly, what were you even thinking Sham?

21.2. Ummm, Hell's Kitchen..? - Sham

21.3. *Facepalm*

22\. There is no such thing as "Lone(ly) Rider/Driver apocalypse", we will not be experiencing it soon, and stop signs are certainly not only weapon effective against him. Return those at once.

23\. You are not allowed to call Sham, Kae and Nath "Boobs club". While they might find it funny, or not care either way in Nath's case, lots of other girls find the subject of breasts (or their lack of them) a sensitive subject. Nanako especially tends to react to insults, even indirect or unintended ones, with attempted murder. You have been warned.

24\. Poppo is no longer allowed to charge people watching Kyosuke strip. That literally happens all the time, whether we pay for it or not, and most of us are long past caring anyways.

24.1. That doesn't mean you need to escalate Kyosuke. Put your pants back on now and I don't need to tell Kyoko about this.

24.2. Alright, I admit it: That Halloween costume is awesome. Almost awesome enough to pay for. How do you even do that?

25\. While tempting, hugging a seemingly helpless Nath can result in severe injuries. Armless and harmless are hardly the same after all, and those robotic limbs do really pack a punch.

25.1. It might also be best to stop overusing arm/hand puns in her presence. While she's emotionally a lot more stable than some people here (although somewhat depressed), everyone does have their limits, and you asking for a fifth time in as many minutes if you can give her a hand must be closing in on that fast.

26\. Poppo is not allowed to join Waruda, no matter how much you love the fact that with Mimyuu around you are no longer shortest person in the room.

26.1. Not even if Tomato said you could. Also, remind her about safety rules regarding explosives.

26.2. Not even if Yuki promised to pay you double, get back here! Double the nothing is still nothing you fool.

26.3. Stop trying to tempt my creations away Yuki! You aren't going to overthrow me and get your own world that way; I am here to stay and frankly, most of the time I don't know why anyone would even WANT to do my job of herding bunch of overpowered weirdoes around, ruler of the dimension or not.

26.4. I admit that Suguri would probably have enough power to overthrow me if she seriously wanted to; however, out of all characters here she has particularly embraced the RNG nature of our games in her playstyle and her hyper, and has stated multiple times that she enjoys living in this world. Thus I find it highly unlikely that you could get her to overthrow me instead. Besides, guess who just allowed Suguri and (her girlfriend) Hime wear new, adorable alt costumes? I'm pretty sure goodwill I earned from them with that far outweights any bribe you could come up with.

27\. No one is allowed to jump off from the game board. Seriously, do you know how hard it is to get you back up from there, even with magic?!

27.1. I don't care if Star Circuits background tempts you or not. There is also the fact that the "ground" can be very, VERY far down from the board, or in some cases there might not be ground there at all. Vortex is basically built over an inferno, and I never even found all the Poppos that fell off Starship when it was still under testing and warps malfunctioned...

27.2. Of course, honest accidents can still happen and in those cases I will help if needed, but I would like to point out that almost everyone here can either levitate, teleport or outright fly so that excuse is only valid for a handful of you. If you are capable of flight and see someone else falling I would be thankful if you caught them though: While reviving people living here is quite easy for me, seeing the scattered remains of Peat is not really something I enjoy, or want to repeat.

27.3. Heh, puns

27.4. I wish to apologize for being insensitive towards plane-fliers: Marc made it clear that she didn't find the incident funny, and I'm not stupid enough to get on her bad side. I've heard enough rumors about what happens to those that get on her bad side to scar me for life.

28\. Using Accel Hyper doesn't make you an ultimate weapon akin to Sora or Suguri. Stop trying to learn how to fly.

28.1. And get rid of that wig; those hairs are twice as long as you are tall.

29\. Gentleman Battle is not a Dapper Poppo exclusive card, no matter how much you complain that others aren't dressed well enough to deserve using it. It's just a name, and if we were literal then you shouldn't be able to use it either since you're not an actual man.

30\. That chocolate dice from Valentine's day is not real chocolate. Spit it out.


End file.
